No change...either up or down. I'm discouraged. And it's not the discouraged you feel when you've tried so hard and see no results. It's the discouragement that comes from NOT WANTING to do what's required to meet the goal. That's probably not altogether true of me because on many levels, I do want to and I know I can. But, I struggle so hard to be committed to this task. It's like the switched that needs to be flipped is stuck in the middle. I'm on the fence.
For a long time I looked at and studied the psychology of this overeating "issue". And while I became really annoyed by the "psyco-babble" of it all, I know that one thing is true. This is an issue of CONTROL. For some reason, I need to feel "in control" of something. And I am the one that controls what goes in my mouth. I know that throughout my life there have been many things that I had no control over. But this has always been one thing that I could control, and I guess there's some comfort in that. The problem, of course, is that I'm also the only one who can CHANGE it. I was sharing with a friend last night that I just keep waiting for someone to show up and fix this for me. I don't literally think that will happen, but I live as though I do.
My dad is someone that also struggles deeply with this issue, although he does not acknowledge it. He acts as though nothing is wrong. He continues to abuse his body with food, and now the effects seem irreversible. He's in his 60's and in TERRIBLE physical shape, and I know he's miserable. And I also know that if I don't turn myself around, I'm looking at a lifetime of struggle. Now why that doesn't SCARE me into action, I don't know. I'm just so stuck in "living for the moment". I want WHATEVER I want WHEN I want it. And I know that some of you have probably tuned out by now because you're annoyed that I won't just "get with it". Honestly, I think I would have tuned out by now if I were on your end of this because I have very little patience with other people who stay stuck in their own misery. Ironic huh?
Well, if you're praying for me I would ask that you pray for the following things:
1. Pray that my desire to change things would be bigger than my desire for momentary satisfaction.
2. Pray that I will listen to the little voice within me that tries so hard to steer me the other direction when I'm about to make poor choices regarding food.
Thank you, dear friends. I know many of you (unlike me) are patient and long-suffering. Somehow, you manage to stick by me week after week as I choose to stay stuck. Well, I hope that I make the choice to NOT BE STUCK ANYMORE very soon. I love you for being by my side. Thank you!
10/15/2008
Weigh-In Wednesday
Posted by Holly at 10/15/2008
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8 comments:
Holly - I totally know what you are going through. I have something that I want to change in my life, but I have to aggressively attack it in order to make any sort of difference and it is hard! The only way for either of us to get the results that we want is to completely rely on God to give us the strength to do it. He can do it for us, but we have to allow Him to make the appropriate changes in us.
Holly, I am still tuned in and know that staying with you will be worth it in the end!
holly, hang in there - I think you are doing great even if there isn't a change - you are forcing yourself to think through this at least once a week when you have to update us and i know that is better than I do. I will be praying!
Hey Holly, Friend you are being prayed for and I love you so much! I know how tough this battle is, but God will give you the strength you need to overcome this. xoxo
Holly,
I'm not giving up on you as I know you can and will do it when you are ready. And who really knows what makes the switch go off in our brain. I stuggled the same way for many years with smoking. I knew I wanted to quit, I needed to quit and that it was so bad for me, but I kept doing it. Or I would quit and then start back again. Then I became a "professional quitter," so I thought I could just stop and start whenever I wanted. But that was just my excuse to keep doing it, or to excuse myself when I failed. I think we all have our
"control issues" that we struggle with. Just remember that you have lost the weight before, so you KNOW you can do it. And you WILL do it again!
I'll hang in there with you as long as it takes.
love ya,
Judy
We Steffensruds stick together! I'm not bailing out on you at anytime :) Hugs and love to you and prayers always!!
Wow. I have felt that way a hundred times in the last year. It sucks. I'm sorry. I haven't even updated my blog in forever. I will say that you should be grateful you aren't gaining weight. IT SUCKS (and I should know)! ;)
Hi Holly,
I found your blog through a friend's and I just want to tell you that God is using your insight to speak to only He knows how many people. I have struggled with food in a lot of different ways for my entire life too and as I prayed these things for you, I prayed them for myself too.
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