Nothing easy about it...

I've gained 10 pounds back.  I've been pretty down about it, and unsure of how to motivate myself again.  It's just this thing called LIFE that makes losing weight so hard for me.  Unless I have my whole self committed to the process, I just can't do it.  And sometimes life throws things at you that make it really hard to have your WHOLE self committed to the process. 

I've pretty much been hosting my own pity party for a couple of months now, and the "friends" I've invited to the party are stress, anxiety and fear.  It's so hard for me to NOT let life get the best of me...to not let myself get carried away just because things get hard sometimes.  I know what I'm doing, and on most days, I even know how to stop it.  I've just chosen not to.  I'm stuck someplace between, "Get your butt up and DO THIS!!" and "Well, maybe just a little piece of cake won't hurt..." 

My Mother in law is getting married this coming weekend.  I can't tell you how many special occasions in the past 5 years have come and gone with me trapped in this fat suit.  It's like the zipper is stuck and I can't get it off!  That's a funny visual...Anyway, I have my dress ready and I'm sure I'll get through the occasion looking nice...but I can guarantee you that I don't feel nice! 

It's all about food...and it's not about food at all...all at the same time.  I know that sounds a little crazy.  It's obviously about food because you cannot take in more than you burn off and expect to lose weight.  And at the same time, it's SO MUCH about feelings...those that I share, those that I don't and those that I can't even identify. 

I'm depressed about it all right now, so I don't feel all motivated to say, "That's it! I'm gonna do this once and for all!"  I hope to be back to that place again before too long...