Small(er) Goals...

So I went to the OBGYN this week.  We talked about how I hope to be "with child" sometime this next year.  She was so excited and so supportive of me and my plans of losing weight.  She told me that it would make her a very happy doctor if I would lose 30 pounds FOR SURE...and then whatever else I desire to lose after that...which will be alot.  BUT, I'm so thankful to have a smaller goal in mind.  75 pounds sounds so daunting, but 30 sounds much more do-able!  So, that was a good boost for me this week.  Also, my sweet husband has joined the gym again so we are helping each other to get there Thursdays through Sundays.  And then, I have my sweet Mom to go with Mondays through Wednesdays...not that I'm going EVERYDAY, but I do have a buddy for everyday which is great!! 
I've talked with several of you who are following this blog and you have expressed that you are praying for me.  I just want to THANK YOU so very much for that encouragement.  You are a blessing to me on this hellish wonderful journey! :)

Small Victories

This morning I opened my eyes and the FIRST THING I thought about were the frozen pancakes in our freezer.  When Brock was here last week, Mom made homemade pancakes for him and she always freezes the extras.  I could picture them...right there next to the box of my "healthy" multi-grain mini pancakes (which are on my list and which are pretty good).  But they are NOT Donna's homemade pancakes.  So here's my train of thought:
"Yummm!! Those sound SO good!"
"Those are NOT on my list!"
"So what...I can just eat them to celebrate the END of my period....sort of like a going-away party!"
"What? That's crazy!"
"Yeah, I can just have them AND THEN start the day over in a healthy way...back on the wagon".
"I'm having them.  I am. Yes, I am."
This decision was enough to drag me out of my very warm, snuggly and comfy bed where I was curled up next to my sweet sleeping husband.
Go to kitchen. 
Make pancakes.
Cover them in REAL (not lite) syrup...prepare to enjoy!
Take one bite.
"These aren't that good after sitting in the freezer for almost a week."
"So what!!...I've already gotten them ready...just eat them!"
"But I could throw these out and make my mini-pancakes and start the day right by eating what's on my plan."
"Maybe if I do that I can have a cookie or ten instead..." (I like to reward myself for good choices, after all!!)

(Note to self:   Clean out the stupid cabinets and rid them of "rewards" ie temptations.)
JUST SAY NO!!!
Go to sink and throw plate of sub-par pancakes down the drain.
And I did.
I did it!! A victory, even when small, is STILL a victory!

After this little episode, I made my mini-pancakes, but only ate 4 of the 9 (which is a serving size) because get this..."I felt full".  And that, my friends, is what I like to call a MIRACLE!

**now I did eat a small cookie too...but ONE...not 10!!!**
Now off to the gym we go...
Thank you, God, for helping me win this one small battle in the war!

I still have some FIGHT left in me...

I went through a ton of pictures that I have stored in our computer earlier this week.  I didn't see even ONE picture of myself that I liked.  That made me feel sad...but motivated.  As tired as I thought I was of being overweight when I started this blog, I am WAY MORE tired now.  It just seems impossible to me that I'm still sitting here at 225 pounds.  I feel sick to my stomach when I think of all of the false starts, all of the times that I got going only to give up, all of the giving in, all of the "Well, just this bite won't hurt", all of the sitting back and LETTING food rule my life.  It just makes me want to fall down and cry my eyes out.  But I know that won't do me any good at all.  I've got MAJOR WORK to do.  And do you want to know why?  It's because I need to be in better health so that I can try to have a baby (or maybe a baby) next year! 

I've been motivated by many things in the past...having better health, looking good for me, looking good for my husband, feeling better, less aches and pains, wearing my smaller clothes, and the list goes on.  But THIS, my friends, the desire to have a baby, makes me want to get on that treadmill and not get off until next May!  It's not that I feel so happy or excited about the job ahead of me, and believe me, it IS A JOB TO LOSE WEIGHT.  No, I don't like it one bit! I've heard it said before, though, that continuing to do what you've always done and expecting different results is the definitition of insanity.  And that's what I've been living...insanity.

And I don't want to live this way anymore.  Allowing food to have control over me is not working out well.  It's robbing me in so many ways.  It steals my:
1.  peace.
2.  times of intimacy with my precious husband.
3.  desire to walk more closely with God.
4.  energy.
5.  desire to go out and have FUN!
6.  confidence.
7.  ....and so much more.

And it gives me in return:
1.  anxiety.
2.  insecurity.
3.  exhaustion.
4.  sadness.

I don't know how I'll do this.  Right now, it seems impossible, but I KNOW it's not.  So I just need for those of you who might read this post to pray for me.  When you see me, please know that I'm in the midst of a BATTLE, and that I need encouragement.  On my face, you will find a smile and laughter 97% of the time, but if you could see inside of me, you would know that I am terrified.  I'm terrified of DOING THIS (and by "this", I mean making changes that involve loosening my grip on the food which has been my comfort and solace for so long.  When I think it all the way through, though, I'm more terrified of NOT DOING THIS.

So when you think of me, please lift me up in your prayers. I'll be over here FIGHTING!!

Thank you so very much.

Nothing easy about it...

I've gained 10 pounds back.  I've been pretty down about it, and unsure of how to motivate myself again.  It's just this thing called LIFE that makes losing weight so hard for me.  Unless I have my whole self committed to the process, I just can't do it.  And sometimes life throws things at you that make it really hard to have your WHOLE self committed to the process. 

I've pretty much been hosting my own pity party for a couple of months now, and the "friends" I've invited to the party are stress, anxiety and fear.  It's so hard for me to NOT let life get the best of me...to not let myself get carried away just because things get hard sometimes.  I know what I'm doing, and on most days, I even know how to stop it.  I've just chosen not to.  I'm stuck someplace between, "Get your butt up and DO THIS!!" and "Well, maybe just a little piece of cake won't hurt..." 

My Mother in law is getting married this coming weekend.  I can't tell you how many special occasions in the past 5 years have come and gone with me trapped in this fat suit.  It's like the zipper is stuck and I can't get it off!  That's a funny visual...Anyway, I have my dress ready and I'm sure I'll get through the occasion looking nice...but I can guarantee you that I don't feel nice! 

It's all about food...and it's not about food at all...all at the same time.  I know that sounds a little crazy.  It's obviously about food because you cannot take in more than you burn off and expect to lose weight.  And at the same time, it's SO MUCH about feelings...those that I share, those that I don't and those that I can't even identify. 

I'm depressed about it all right now, so I don't feel all motivated to say, "That's it! I'm gonna do this once and for all!"  I hope to be back to that place again before too long...

Hanging on...

I'm still here and still working!  I have to admit I've been a bit lax during Christmas, but I'm reeling it back it.  I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost any either.  So, I've gotta go back to the basics!!!  Thanks for your continued prayers and well wishes.

TWENTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right...I'm twenty pounds down! How wonderful and excellent to see 210 pounds rather than 230!!!!
I'm amazed and astonished and so incredibly relieved that I'm on the right track...and during the holidays no less!
Happy...

Survival and enjoyment!

So happy to be able to report to you that while I did very much enjoy all Thanksgiving foods, I DID NOT lose total control! Well, there for a couple of days I put the control on the back burner, but only to move it right back up to the front burner when all the festivities were over.

This is a major blessing and also has to be a miracle of God! My typical MO is to EAT my way through Thanksgiving, right into Christmas and hey...why not just top off the New Year with a few hundred calories extra as well?! NOT THIS YEAR!!!

I will definitely enjoy my favorite foods and will not deny myself of that pleasure. But, I will not treat every day of this month as a holiday! A friend and I attended a Weight Watchers meeting a few years back around the holidays. The leader said something along the lines of, "How about celebrating the holidays WITHOUT food?!" I'm pretty sure people laughed out loud at her. What a ridiculous idea that is! That is definitely NOT my plan!!

Food is a wonderful thing...a blessing...a source of energy...and something most people really enjoy! My problem is not FOOD. My problem is using food to numb feelings that I don't want to feel...anger, sadness, boredom, you name it! So, it will never be my goal to learn how to manage food. It will be my goal to manage feelings and to learn better ways of coping so that I don't EVER AGAIN revisit the "fat rack" in my closet once I finally get away from it this time.

I'm not planning to weigh until Monday, so I will let you know how I've done since my last weigh in...

Until then, here's to good food!! After all...it's not the enemy.

Thanks for your continued encouragement and prayers!